Ugh! Life:)

 Hola and Hello to my dearest readers!

I wonder who my readers are. :) Whatever! I simply hope that someone finds this in this very voidy world of the Internet.

How is life for you? Is life kind to you? 

The past few months have made me feel like I'm a useless sock at the far end of a washing machine that is life. And what do washing machines do to such poor clothes? Exactly—you get the picture, don't you?

When this year began, I was fourteen, and I was dilly-dallying about my own business. In a month's time, I had the final exams coming up. I was worried about it somewhere, but I was entirely confident. Was I happy? It's a surprise that I was happy at that time. I'm not usually the person to say that I'm happy. Even when everyone would ask me if I were happy, I would tell them of my 2 sole worries, and that was it. 

I had friends and they were the friends with whom I had a bond of about three years. Even when I knew that I'd leave that school in months, I was confident that I'd stay friends with my friends. The exams passed, my birthday passed, the results passed, the summer vacation passed, the admission to the new school passed and then I entered into a new school. We're now at June 18 2025 of my life. 

I hated the new school. I still do. 

Nothing was going the way that I had planned it to go- it still isn't. I love to study but now I don't know what I feel anymore. My long-term writing projects have come to a pause. I have no time to work on my poetry. Even worse, I don't have the time to watch all those movies. I don't have time to study but I'm not studying at all. 

Does any of that sound funny enough? 

I worry about the future a lot too. In about 1 year and 6 months, I'll be out of school. What will I do? I know what I want to do but can I though? Can I at least do the thing I need to do?

This part of life is really important but now it's just making me inanimate and it really is tragically funny.

I am the laziest person on planet Earth.

Ask me how somethings going on with me right now and I'll have nothing but a satirical, sarcastic or sadistic answer for you. 

My mind is full of shit. There's a lot magic, madness, heaven and sin in there. So many people's voices echoing in my head to write their story and then there's the other voice that tells me about all the things I should regret about in my life. That's not all the voices but right now, that's much of it.

My social skills are terrible right now. I don't know how to be a fake person and so I speak up my mind and people don't like it. I don't talk much and I'm quite shy and insecure about such social matters which makes people think I'm arrogant. Teachers notice the moody girl in class and they ask me about it and I tell lies or I simply ignore the question because I know they can't do anything about it.

Do I hate life?

Not yet:)

Sure, my friends aren't the people I once knew. They don't see me the way they once did. We barely talk, barely nod, barely care but I wouldn't believe that they too don't know that we're all thinking why. It's hard to keep up with the studies but I enjoy doing it in my pace and I don't care about the consequences to a great extent that is in favour of my mental state. My social skills are terrible but it's not like I'm not a part of that society myself. Things aren't going the way I planned but neither are things going the way they planned. 

I'm hating life but I don't hate life. At least not yet. Are the problems I think are problems actually problems if I think they're not? Maybe and maybe not. All those all problems? No. I have many problems. What I also know is that I have many solutions. I have so many curses but also so many blessings.

I wish if I felt the rush of life, you know? Because most of these day it feels like I don't feel anything at all. Then by the end of the day, guilt, regret and despair are what that lulls me to sleep. But again, it's going to be all right.

Why do I feel so?

Maybe it's only because of the some people who asks me if I'm alright, if I've watched Lokha, if I'm able to study or yeah... They may not really care and all they care about could only be about their own selves but in one way or another, we're all in this together and we don't even realize that.

I was literally journaling and crying in the middle of the empty classroom at the day of the arts fest. My friend who's now at another school suddenly appeared out of the blue and the moment after we both parted, something about life just ticked. There are no endings and every endings are beginnings. Life doesn't seem like a cycle but more like the crossovers of infinite parallel lines.

Maybe let's try realizing, eh?

Truly your writer,

SeñoRida

This song is stuck in my mind right now. Just manifesting a getaway like that:)

Aao Milo Chalo from Jab We Met