Letting Go

 Hola and Hello there!

SeñoRida here.

How are you, darling?

Let me ask you a question that has got nothing to do with this post but just to make you smile. How often does someone call you darling, dear, sweet, cuty or pookie or all those things?

Not at all right?

I've saved my own number as 'Azizam'.

And I love it when I read something in which the writer chose to adore their reader with an endearment. God knows if they mean it, right? 

Do you notice the way people say your name, address you or signal you? I do---all the time. And I take it to my heart. 

Anyways--one of those people who call you by many things are you FRIENDS. 

And it's funny how there are a bunch of them from different times and they all call you different things. 

Mickey mouse, Chotta Bheem, Oggy and the Coakroaches, Tom and Jerry, Shimmer and Shine, Lego Friends, Sophia the First, Zig and Sharko and so many, many, many cartoons that we've watched growing up has always high lighted the wonderful, significant, lovely value of FRIENDSHIP.

The most beautiful things are often fragile.

The cartoons lied. I'm sorry.

Then, there were movies and tv shows and again--boom--the amazing friendships.

I was so damn focused on wanting to have a bestie for a life time. That obsession of mine began from kindergarden. 

It made me vile.

I never had  life long friends till now. And I'm afraid of losing them.

Funny thing, you know because I've been in girl's school all my life and my best friends turned out to be boys. 

And when I think of it again, I don't know if I can brag about them here. I can't because, both of them happens to be family.  

I'm on square one again. I don't have a BFF, a life long bestie, a person with whom I'd go golfing with after our retirement. 

And let me tell you how that has destroyed me;

I'm in no group. I walk with people around school but they're everyone. I don't have a particular best friend. I talk more to the girl sitting besides me, I walk the hallways with who ever is there and I'm not lonely though I am just really alone. 

In a room full of people, I'm often lonely.

And nowadays it's my choice to remain that way.

A friend asked me; Bro why are you isolating yourself?

I think I'm scared to try and be friends.

It happens to me all the time. People gang up and I'm left alone. People have their own friend group and I don't know how I'm supposed to try to be in it. And I know why that is.

This might sound dramatic but it's not just in my head, it's not a lie and it's not something I write so that someone feels sorry for me. 

I zone out of the present. 

I don't understand most references.

I advice a lot.

Most people don't understand my references.

Some are jealous of me.

Some pity me.

I have an issue. 

Yadda, yadda and yadda.

Social circles make me uncomfortable. I feel lonely in a room full of people. That noise of people chattering, talking, laughing, yelling--it triggers something. My brain kind of freezes and I just wouldn't be able to think of what to speak, how to behave and OMG I have to talk to a therapist, huh?

I mean well sometimes and I do stupid things. 

I stress a lot.

I---I-- I should stop.

I remember being mad at my friend because some kid stole the notebook I gifted her. That was second grade.

I remember trying hard to be a popular girl's friend. When a new girl walked in and we formed a trio and I was left thirdwheeling, being cut off because my parents weren't strict and didn't take me to a little picnic we were supposed to have--- 

And after COVID, I didn't have a bestie for 3 years.

Then a girl was kind to me. 

By the end of highschool, I had a gang of my own.

KABOOM.

Now I'm on square one.

Friendships that became awkward, had a bad ending, was fake or wasn't just meant to be forever are all at the end of the day---just friendship.

Friends are like those pebbles you pick up when you walk. I pick up stones when I walk sometimes and I drop them somewhere in between the path. Sometimes, it just slips and I don't even realize that it's gone. Sometimes they end up in boxes which we see again after decades and we either throw them away, put them back in box and just maybe--take them along forever after that.

I love having friends.

And I think it's okay that I'd have to let them go.

I'd rather let them go and smile when I remember the version of me that I was when I were with them.

I'd never not want friends. 

I want friends and God bless, I treat you right.

It does hurt a lot.

Hurt is good; it means that it mattered.

Rida is a fifteen year old girl who aspires to be a published author in the pseudonym SeñoRida. She posts in this personal blog.

Follow my Instagram; @rida.senorida