Respite; A dump of Rida's thoughts

I know that there are a lot of people who may not relate but also, there's definitely people out there who would relate to this:

"I need a respite from my own life"

Hey, don't take it in the wrong way. I may not be able to speak for a lot of people about this but I certainly know when, where, how, what and why I'm feeling all there---feelings. I have clothes, food, and I guessed shelter too in a sense but beyond all these blessings even including my family, friends, educational opportunities, a safe country and all of these, I'm definitely exhausted. 

I'm exhausted in a lot of ways about a lot of things.

Am I ungrateful? 

I ask that to myself a lot. You must too. If I've learnt anything in life, it's that it's alright to feel exhausted. Our world is an exhausting one. And espeacially as a sixteen year old trying to figure out her life, there's no limit to the exhaustion I often feel. Sometimes it's a profound sense of sadness, the other times it's a sort of feeling that let's you feel nothing but numb and then there's this part where my brain freezes or spirals or struggles to stay put and instead it just goes through a lot of unpleasant things till I'm just flinching, scratching, walking, talking out loud to nothing...

And trying is hard. Lately I've been telling myself ''Rida, Dear-heart, you've got to stop this, love''

Does it work? 

I don't know.

And I do sleep a lot and I do fall asleep quite soon after I go to bed but up till the moment I'm asleep, I'm either procrastinating the most wonderful-est wildest dreams or else---I'm overthinking in a way I can't stop about many weird, little, un-important things. Maybe they're important---a little important to me anyways, right?

So yes---I did need a respite. Getting a respite is not easy for a sixteen year old kid. Yaaaah---I could blast music, binge Netflix, write till I hit a dead end, cry till I bleed or just be a couch potato. That's not respite. That to me is normal events that repeats in cycles every week. 

So what respite is for me?

I don't know to be frank. I'm just 16. But I often have this longing to pack my bags, grab a few friends and go somewhere which is strange to me---so strange that I can actual try being me for once. Open my heart for once. Let my brain forget what it needs to, remember what it needs to and feel what it needs to. Even thinking about it makes me feel good. 

Uhmmmmmmmm but yeah that's not until a long time.

But I got a little respite after all, this summer and why this might or might not be THE SUMMER I TURN PRETTY finally.

I hosted a party in my home to celebrate my book and twelve people actually showed up. And I was there, welcoming everyone, talking to everyone, asking everyone to do this and that, selling books, signing books, posing for photos, talking and I was myself in the fullest that day. 28th March of 2026. The day I knew that, that version of me wasn't just in my head.

When I visited my aunt with my parents earlier this week, I stayed back. I kind of always wanted to stay there by myself. I'd never done it and even though they always invite me---for some reason, this was the time I actually did stay. 

I was nervous. 

I am a freak.

Because I overthink everything---from the movement of my eyes to the pause I make when I'm talking. 

But I think I adjusted. 

Sitting inside one room in one house for all your life will do that to you. I grew up like that inside an even tinier flat in Saudi Arabia. Maybe I'm not a born introvert. I was turned into one by all the circumstances.

I even regretted deciding to stay and I almost totally bawled like a baby because I got these instant shivers one night. I think I just overthink too much. I should step out more, connect with people more and maybe do really better. Deciding to stay back for a few days there was a total respite. Because right now, I'm so much more at peace with myself. 

Coming back to my own life after a few days showed me how little I matter. I don't matter at all---if I've figured anything at all. And I'm not saying that to be pitied or to seem sadist or depressed. I'm a sixteen year old kid, soon to leave for college and yes---my presence or absence barely goes noticed at the house. There's a baby here and an older boy who acts like a saint when me(the oldest) is absent and a part of me truly grieved for my own death. I'm always hesitant to pray for a longer life because I've felt a little lot like a burden or useless around my house. If I died, I realized, nobody would notice---sure they would maybe cry that day but everyone will be back to their lives painlessly if I'm gone. As much disappointing that sounds, I'm even more excited to change that. Because how little have I lived, right? There's so much more to go and it's too early to be exhausted. The present day world expects too much and you know what? To hell with it.

I expect myself to be a good person. Whatever else I can or can't matters only after that.

12 people showed up at my home to something that I hosted. I talked to all 12 of them, spent quality time with them and connected with them. Befriending someone I'd never even had a conversation with before also happened that day. As a person who is confused with hugs, I don't know but I hugged a lot of them when I said goodbye that day.

When I decided to stay back at my aunt's, I got to connect a little bit more with my older cousins and they don't know it but when I look at them, I remember the versions of them that was just as old as me once and that eases a lot of my nerves. Billy(Character from my book) was someone that I wrote and he was there in that book like a symbol of my sorrow over an older brother that I never had or once had and now I feel like I finally got a glimpse of Billy again when I talked to my cousin brothers.

I drumroll my fingers, look down, scribble on my notebook, rub my hands together, talk with a shivery voice---all when I'm having a meltdown. And all of it kept happening and it felt good because the more newer things I experience, the less harder it becomes as I go forward. Talking to people, being around people and being seen with people---yup---all newer things every day. *sigh* *introvert peak* *uh oh*

I got to be so bored, couch and clumsy this week. I think I'm charged for a while because of that.

Quitting to write, study and sitting upstairs all the time for a few days is the respite. Wierd life. 

I love this week. It brought a respite, experience and realizations. 

TOP THINGS I GOT THIS WEEK:

1. It's not always your friends that are your actual friends.

2. A bike ride brings a breeze that washes away a great part of that sorrow.

3. You can start the conversation even if it's dumb---there's at least a conversation, right?

4. Connecting with people is not hard but just rare and it's that is not necessary to be kind with each other.

5. It's nice to know that there is someone who knows, cares and loves you even though you had transfigured into a transparent piece of glass for a moment there.

Thank you for reading. With all my love,

Rida